Blog to God

Dear God,
Most days I feel as though others create the problems in my life, but i have begun to realize that there is no one to blame but myself. I want to be able to feel as though I am truly happy again because to be honest it has been so long since i have been happy. I may only be 18 years old but I feel like I have been alive so much longer. I know that I can no longer go through life angry, upset and with a chip on my shoulder. I make friend easily but for some reason i drive people away. I would love your help to understand why i do this. and why i create the web of problems in my life. I know i can offer so much more the world then lies. and that is what i want to start doing, living in the now and forgiving the past and moving on. What happened, happened i cant change it, nobody can. I wish i knew how to do all these things on my own and i wish i was strong enough to ask for help but the truth is i am so scared of upsetting people that i lie and then they find out the truth and it just hurts me even more. I go to church every week with my dad and step mom and i listen but it truly has never set in with me. I wish i had the ability to be comfortable with my faith but i am not. I'm insecure with everything about me, people tell me I'm beautiful and gorgeous but i don't see it because all i see when i look in the mirror are all the lies and disgust i have brought onto myself. So as i graduate high school i need to learn how to become strong in who i really am and how to be honest with not only others but myself.
thank you Lord.