Blog to God

Thank You for the last couple of days, they have been pretty good but I still need Your guidance very much. I am torn between what to do and really dont like it. Is it bad or are the feelings natural, is it so wrong to do or want to be like that. I really dont know any more. I know what I want but if it is not what I am going to have then I dont now what to do. Lord please bless us and help guide me. I ask in the name of Your so Jesus Christ. Amen

What is wrong with me. I keep asking to hear You and to feel You helping me and showing me what to do and eventually you do. It was so strong but I was not. I really felt You making me not want to do it. I know it was not me because I am not nearly that strong, it was great, for me it was a miracle and that is how and what I want to feel. I want to know that it is You guiding me and helping me, things also seemed to be going pretty well but then I blew it as usual. Not as badly as before but I gave in halfway and I can feel me slipping the whole way back and already things are going pear shaped. Lord why cant I get over this totally. I want to so badly but at the same time I can feel myself being pulled back. I know You could quite easily help or make me win the battle because You have already by giving Your Son to die for us but I think You want tme to decide myself and that is why their seems to be an equal force within me, one wanting good and one wanting bad and it is up to me to decide which side to step. I know however that it is not that easy, if it was just take a step to good and there will no longer be temptation then it would be so easy but I know the temptation will still be there. I stepped to the good and it was great until the temptation lured me again. I know what causes it but it is something that I cant get rid of however I could if I got into the good permanently but to get into it with the temptation is really hard - and we are going round in a circle again.

Good always seems so boring and bad always seems so exciting but is it really like that. I suppose in lots of cases it is like that but then again I suppose it depends on what you consider boring and exciting. Deep down I know that what I want is good and I know that the good I want would be great fun and in no way boring but I dont know if I will ever get that and I think it might even be to late to get it (I pray that it is not) so the only "exciting and fun" things I can do are the ones that are bad but even that is not really true. I think I cant do the good fun things because they cost a lot more than the bad fun things and I dont have money so the only fun I can do is bad fun but that is not true, the bad fun also costs money, maybe not as much in the real short term but in the long term it costs a lot more not just in money but in everything.

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. for ever and ever. Amen

Lord please dont abandon me now. It has been months of not feeling You with me then I get the feeling that I have been crying for and I ruin it, please forgive me and help me to get past it once and for all. Lord I cant and dont want to keep on going like this, even as I sit here typing this I am being pulled down, I am trying to concentrate on this and I can feel the devil trying to tempt me, it is so real a feeling that I could really be mad. It would be so much easier just to give in and have the shouting in my mind silenced which is wrong. If I silence the devil by not giving in and letting him know it then I could hear You. I would love to hear You know shouting back and driving the devil and these temptations out of my head but I know You want me to decide for myself and I know what the rewards are so why is it not as easy as it should be. God I dont know any of the answers and this is to much for me, please Lord just take over my life totally and come storming in with everything You have got to get rid of this temptation.

I love You Lord and thank You for not letting me slip the whole way and please silence thise screaming in my head. I ask in the name of Your Son Jesus Christ Amen.

Thank you my Lord,
Like many others my everyday life issues have been a burden on my future wive and family. Theres a lot I want to say (how I feel about others) to others, but I know that you are guiding me to the right direction.

Thank You for a great day yesterday and another one today. Of course they could have been better but compared to others recently they were fantastic. Thanks for keeping me strong, it has been tough and I am really battling but I dont want to give up and if feeling this shit is going to happen everytime then I dont want to start again but the cravings are really strong still. Lord I need to just trust that You know what You are doing with my life. I know that You ahve a reason for all this that we dont know and cant understand so even though it is really tough I will trust You. I would like to do something different and do something that glorifies Your name and am ready if You want to use me. Thank you for the 2 most wondefull, beautiful and tallented girls anyone could ever ask for. I would like to give them all they deserver and ask that you please help me to do that. I dont want to let them down any more and I am tired of beiong a failure to them so I ask in the name of Your Son Jesus to help me and guide me.

Lord please help Steve find a job, he really deserves one now. Please alse help Bonnie and JR in their times of need. I really would like to help them and I know I was supposed to last time but things just got out of control. This time I might be able to if You continue to give me the strengh I need.

Thank You Lord, Amen.

Thank You for helping me through yesterday. Today is another big day so please be with me as usual. Lord all I want is to be close to You and to be back with my family and to be able to provide them with the basics they need and the love they deserve. I am actually so confused now, I really dont know what I want or what to even ask for or do. It seems my brain is a mess of jelly at the moment or a bit like a computer with no operating system, you can switch it on but it does no know what to do. ord please tell me and show me what you want from me before it is to late. I ask in the name of Jesus, thank You Lord Amen.

Please give me the strenght to do this, I dont know if I can go on much longer like this, please help me to change and to manage and survive the change. Lord I want to be a better person and ask for Your forgiveness for slipping the last couple of months. I dont know how much longer I can go on like this, I cant keep pushing You away. I need You in my life and not just need You but want You in my life. Please help me change.

Lord I dont want to battle anymore. I just want to get along without all the stress and worry. I also want to be with the people I love, I dont know if I could manage it but even if I could have somewhere else to live so that the 2 I really love can spend some quality time with me. Lord I need a change in life, not just a small change but a huge change and pray that this is in Your plans for me. Lord I dont even know what to say to you anymore, it is like I am blank, I just dont know what to say. Lord I dont seem to know anything right now. I have no motivation, no will, no feelings except real sadness, loneliness, helplessness, panic etc and I dont want this. I want to be able to give my babies the things they need and the things they deserve.

Lord You know everything, You know what I need and what is best for me so please do Your will in my life. I ask this in Jesus name. Amen

Thank You Lord.

I have always been very very adamnt about your existence! so much so that I believ, whatever good has happened to me is b'coz u were there and that you love me a lot. But with passing years as I am growing old, with responsibilities of my kids, my lonely and demanding parents, my highly ambitious husband, my never happy sister, I somehow miss to feel you. I am always exhausted and stressed, but I am not able to reach you. With so much of tensions & confusions, I don't know how I have lost your track!! I feel as if u are up there smiling at me and waiting to see what decisions do I take. Plz god...I need you before I take the strong decisions...before I decide my conduct. I need you pls I need you. Show me the way. You know what I ahve been going through for the past 13 years !! I have done my best to keep all these people happy, yet never complainign...but none bothered about me...in my way. I thought all my sacrifices, my adjustments will bear fruit and the trusth will prevail. But I am tired now...very tired !! Can't take more. Pls god...when will u come?/ I have stopped feeling you...I can't pray...my belief is in doledrums...Are you really there ???